Saturday, April 30, 2011

To Progressives, both academic and amused,

To Progressives, both academic and amused,
I understand that we both wish to lay claims to certain famous historical figures, presenting them as supporters of our causes. Because our aims are mutually exclusive, I have formatted a proposal that would end the fighting and benefit both of us.
In the three areas we debate the most—art, history, and literature—we shall each choose the figures we prefer and then allow our opponents free use of their choices, as we may freely use ours. For example, in the arts, I offer you Dali, Matisse, Warhol, Pollok, and their contemporaries. We shall keep Michelangelo, Monet, and Jacque Louis David. The rest shall be divided in a similar manner.
As we turn to the history books, I offer you Genghis Khan, Confucius, John Smith, Harding, Roosevelt, and Karl Marx—we request George Washington, Queen Elizabeth I, Phyllis Whitley, George Washington Carver, Ronald Reagan, David Livingstone, Amy Carmichael…and while I’m thinking of it, you may have the Kennedys too. All of them.
Finally, authors. You can have John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Kate Chopin, William Charles William, Stephanie Meyers, and Tennessee Williams. We claim Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, G.K. Chesterton, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Mark Twain, Shakespeare, and Ted Dekker.
Do whatever you wish with your share of the past, but keep your sexual interpretations away from our side. I have my sword drawn and my pen in hand, and I shall defend their honor against all comers, be they fanfic writers or feminist, homosexual activists or humanists. I shall maintain the purity of friendship and the value of absolutes with every breath I take.
A young conservative citizen.


  1. Sorry, but what do you mean by progressives? What have they done that you are giving them Stephanie Meyer? Does it make me one of them that I don't like Ted Dekker? Who is William Charles William?

    Um, yeah, I think I'll go take my cluelessness and go sit in a corner now...

  2. It's okay that you don't recognize William Charles Williams. He was in one of my textbooks--rubbish poet. And 'progressive' is merely the new politically correct term for liberals. They can have her, if they want. I sure don't want her.