And if you had not loved me first, I would refuse you still

I’ve said before and will say again, I love the Doctor and River, I love everything about them, but there’s something special about Let’s Kill Hitler. In some ways, I think it shows his love for her better than any other episode.

From the Library onwards, (for him). she knew him, more than that, she was secure in her relationship with him. It didn’t matter if he knew it or not, she did, and that was enough for her. You don’t see River analyzing their relationship or second-guessing her behavior. She just flirts with him and pushes all his buttons. 

At first, it seems Berlin is more of the same. Okay, she shoots the TARDIS, but hey, high spirits. And then 

: It was never going to be a gun for you, Doctor. The man of peace who understands every kind of warfare, except, perhaps, the cruellest. Kiss kiss.

She’s not just killing him—she’s mocking him. Yes, she gave him a royal scolding at the end of GMGTW, but she was serious then, she was trying to warn him about certain tendencies that could get him in trouble. Instead, she’s calling him a hypocrite, a criminal, heartless with no concept of love. 

I was born to kill the Doctor

The Doctor sends Amy and Rory to follow her and staggers into the TARDIS.  When he learns about the poison, he factually responds

better regenerate then

Even when informed that he can’t, his reaction is quite interesting, especially if you consider Ten’s panicked reaction to death in Stolen Earth and End of Time.  Ten tried to hold out as long as possible, even lashing out at Wilf. 

Eleven, on the other hand, is all business. His primary objection?

River needs me. She’s only just beginning. I can’t die now. 

Not one word about fair or unfair, nothing about timelines being rewritten.  He has to take care of River. Sure, she seems to have things under control, but it’s a self-destructive path: how long do you think she’ll last in the middle of Nazi Berlin at this rate?

But the part that really chokes me up is the Tesselecta scene. I’ve already written about it here. Not only does he defend her, but he boils it down to one simple question.  Yes, she is/will/has killed him (not yet, by fixed points.)  Sure, she’s been brainwashed.  Yes, she’s the daughter of his best friends. But he doesn’t defend her on any of those grounds.

"According to records, the woman who kills the Doctor."

And I’m the Doctor. So what’s it to you?

If you look at other places—Power of Three,  Bells of St. John—it’s clear what he’s doing here. This is a giant UNDER MY PROTECTION sign, no explanation necessary.  Nothing else matters.

And later, when he leaves her the message and she realizes who she is—who River is, because at this point they’re different people—I love imagining what she must have thought at that point, because I don’t think she’d known that sort of love before. Madame Kovarian and the Silents weren’t the caring sort, Amy and Rory were nice but they weren’t her parents yet and couldn’t protect her.  

He can protect her. He did.  What she did wasn’t even mentioned. 

But even then, he’s still giving her a choice. He didn’t tell her that she could save him. He didn’t even hint. He flat-out lied,knowing he could die for real.  She wasn’t indebted to him unless she chose to be. 

That’s real, true love.

Secrets that Must Never Be Told: The Name of the Doctor (2/3)

Also known as  OTP FEELS!

You're always here to me. And I always listen. And I can always see you.*

Post-Library River.
From the first moment I saw this confirmed, I had a wild, crazy hope that he'd saved her from the Library. Or she'd saved herself, or they'd worked something out together--somehow, some way, she'd come back from that empty world. I even thought that might be what Clara was attempting to do with the column of light: find a way to bring River back for the Doctor.
The first part I saw was a brief clip from the sleep seance.  It was so good to see her again, to finally see how she'd react to Clara (well, how Clara reacted to her. I knew River didn't want the Doctor to be alone.) But Clara's genuine confusion--"he never mentioned you were a woman." It made sense; he doesn't like to talk about his past. He may have mentioned her once or twice, but to tell the whole story would be more painful than he could bear. And then these four lines

Clara: So, So you're a friend of his then.
River: A little more than a friend, a long time ago. 
Vastra: He still never contacted you?
River: He doesn't like endings.

Which all but confirms Darillium before The Snowmen. So he wasn't just mourning his Ponds up there--he had lost her too. I didn't think that would happen; if nothing else, I assumed Moffat wouldn't miss the chance to troll us with feels. And how easily River shrugs off his silence. How long has it been for her? Years? Centuries? Thankful, we get the amusing-ness of River slapping everyone else awake before things can get too complicated between the Mrs. and the girlfriend.

She's been dead for a very long time. 

Again, how long has it been for him? If he can poke around for 200 years before his own death, how long might he have been sitting on that cloud? This scene is a hundred times worse when he confesses that he could see her all along, but even before that....her grave.  She didn't have one at the Library, so I knew something was up when it showed up in the trailer, but....and his line

They'd never bury my wife out here.

He calls her wife. How can anyone still claim they're not married? There's just so many painful lines in this episode.

I died saving him. In return he saved me to a database in the biggest library in the universe. Left me like a book on a shelf. Didn't even say goodbye. He doesn't like endings.

And I'm so glad she was there to open the TARDIS. Even in death, Idris is watching over her thief and her child. Though it was amusing that the door opened just as the Doctor said "please..."  A moment of ??? for everyone.  The worst part, though, was after Clara had sacrificed herself.  The Doctor, displaying his normal papa-wolf-before-reason habits, is about to jump in after her.
 River is just about to slap some sense into him when he catches her hand. He confesses that he's always seen her, always heard what she was saying. He had to listen when River explained how she died, had to walk through her ghost to touch her grave, had to pretend he didn't see her all the time. Once again, how long has he known? Logically, Ockham's razor suggests it's only been for this adventure, but my headcanon is that she's been haunting the TARDIS since the Library.

River: Then why didn't you speak to me? The Doctor: Because I thought it would hurt too much.River: I believe I could have coped.The Doctor: No. I thought it would hurt me. And I was right

When he said that, I knew he was thinking over his own feelings, not hers.  He doesn't set out to hurt her, he'd never do that, but he's selfish to the core, and has suffered so many losses that he can't do anything else that would cause him pain, even if it would comfort someone else.  And this can't be the end, it can't been. I want to see her learn his name, and see them explore the Bone Meadows or meet Jim the Fish. I want River to jump out of more things and have him catch her, or maybe the other way around. I want River to get out of the Library and surprise him with a squirmy, wiggly baby who is quite sure that bowties aren't cool.
I refuse to believe this is their last adventure. There must be more.

*my graphic edit, featuring a quote from Neil Gaiman's American Gods.

The Doctor and River in Four Quotes

One quote for each season of the Doctor and River’s relationship.

It’s not over for you. You’ll see me again. You and me. Time and space. You watch us run. 

River, “Forest of the Dead”

Obviously, I had to choose from Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, but I thought this quote fit the best because it points forward, to the adventures of seasons five and six.

Is River Song your wife? ‘Cause she’s someone from your future. And the way she talks to you, I’ve never seen anyone do that. She’s kind of like, you know,  ’Heel, boy.’ She’s Mrs. Doctor from the future, isn’t she? Is she going to be your wife  one day?

Amy Pond, “The Time of Angels”

This was the first episode I saw River in, and I think this quote summarizes season five (and even six to a certain extent)  when we’re still trying to work out who River is, and the Doctor doesn’t even know. She’s important to him, but we aren’t quite sure how yet.

The Doctor will find your daughter. And he will care for her, whatever it takes. And I know that,

River Song, “A Good Man Goes to War”

There were a lot of good quotes in this series, but I like this one because it shows how much the Doctor loves River, even when he doesn’t know who she really is.  Even in Let’s Kill Hitler, where she’s trying to kill him, his driving force is “River needs me.”

Just you wait till my husband comes home.  

River Song, “Angels Take Manhattan”

It just shows how secure they are in each other, that they make jokes about traffic and call each other “husband” and “wife.” I don’t care what anyone says, they consider themselves married. 

Eureka!

As a student at a Christian college, I am required to take a certain number of Bible  and theology classes. One of the professors I had last semester brought up Calvinism and Arminianism  a few times. For those who aren't familiar with it, Calvinists believe that God has ordained salvation for some people, and those people respond. Arminianists believe that we chose God. Or, in a gross simplification.

Certain verses of Scripture support the idea that God wants everyone to be saved. If we believe that God is all-powerful, why doesn't he do so? There must be something he wants even more. 

Arminianist answer: free will

Calvinist answer: his glory

Now, if you read all that, you might be wondering why it's on my scifi blog instead of my general blog, it's because I have a much more interesting way of explaining all this.

The Doctor and River had a timey-wimey relationship. From her point of view, she met him in Berlin, when she attempted to kill him per the orders of the Silence. But at the end of the episode, she chooses to save him with her remaining regenerations. The Doctor doesn't have quite as simple a beginning. The first time he meets River is the last time she sees him--in a different body, just to make it even more confusing for us. For the longest time, he doesn't even know who she is. But once he does, it turns out he's had a connection to her all along.

But what really struck me about Let's Kill Hitler is the Doctor's behavior towards River. At this point, she's a psychopath, emotionally unstable and physically dangerous. But he doesn't treat her like a threat. He treats her like the River he knows, the River he's met before--the woman he trusts with his life. Not that he ignores her immediate behavior. When the Tesselecta captures Melody for killing the Doctor, he insists

Don't you touch her, do not harm her in any way!

 And later in the same conversation,  when the Tesselecta labels her "the woman who killed the Doctor," he points out

And I'm the Doctor, so what's it to you?

A commenter on the Speculative Faith article "The Doctor's Doctrines"posted the following

I doubt it was Moffat’s intent, but you know how Scripture goes on about how our sins are against God, first and foremost?  David’s Psalm after he lost his infant son because of his adultery and murder over Bathsheeba was that he had sinned against God alone.  As weird as that may seem, if we really believe that, this is what that looks like.The Doctor’s objection to the Tessellactor is this: “Her sin is against me, not you.  Therefore, since I have decided to be merciful, who are you to say otherwise?”  And I’m thinking of how Satan is the Accuser of the Brethren, how he’s always telling us (and telling God) how we’re scum and worthless and sinful and all the horrible things we’ve done, and what does God say?  “Their sin is against Me, not you.  I’ve forgiven it, who are you to say otherwise?”

Okay, I'm taking the long way around here, but that's to be expected with my OTP. Back to predestination vs free will. River chooses to love the Doctor, to reject her programming and join his side, but one reason she chooses is because he already has chosen to love her.  The analogy breaks down from the Doctor's side, but one reason we have such trouble with predestination and free will is that we're stuck in time. Looking from the outside, even if it's scifi, can provide an example where they exist in harmony.